“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” – Mother Theresa
I hope you’re all doing well, I’m sorry I’ve be absent for a few days, but there’s somethings I’d like to talk about if that’s alright with you (I hope so because here it all is anyway.)
Over the past week or so I’ve felt myself drifting further and further away from my constant go get them mentality – I’ve felt extremely conscious of everything I’ve been doing, wearing, saying and I haven’t felt like myself in the slightest. I’ve been so use to being constantly tip top then having this down spell has knocked me for 10. I spent 99% of my time in bed, watching Youtube videos and trawling over the same things on my Twitter/Facebook feed this week and I’ve never felt this lonely in my life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve struggled with loneliness for the longest time, for the longest time I haven’t had friends and even now when I have a select few people I would call a friend I still feel lonely. A lot of people my age (22) have great groups of friends and they have active and fulfilling social lives, they’re married, have kids, they go on girls/boys holidays and go out a few times a week – me, not so much. I use to have that when I was in high school but over the years false promises and time have sent that packing. You probably think it’s quite sad and think “why don’t you just go out and meet people” because that’s what I’ve been told 100 times before and you need to understand how hurtful that can be to someone who is trying their best.
My major issue is that I get attached to people very quickly and when those people leave me, I feel for a long time like I’ve lost part of who I am. Even after years those people still mean a lot to me because they were part of my life for a reason, it’s hard for me to let go. For the longest time the only people I spoke to on a daily basis were people in work and my family, I had no life outside of my home and my work and I think that changed me as a person. I’ve grown so use to feeling alone that when I’m hit with people wanting my company I freak out.
I’m good at being alone. I’m good at being lonely. I’m good at not having friends and I know that’s hurt me more than I want to admit. I feel so lonely everyday of my life. My life is so mundane I lay in bed some nights and just dream of something new. I live vicariously through people online, and through the friends I have on Facebook.
I don’t like drinking, I don’t like clubs, bars, pubs (unless they serve good food). Socialising nowadays revolves around these things and if you’re not a fan, you don’t tend to be invited. I know things don’t have to be this way, but I’ll hold my hand up and say that I’m terrible at making friends and meeting new people. I’m cautious of everything, maybe they won’t like me, maybe I’ll be annoying and I need to find a way to stop that. I am my own worst enemy.
If you know me and you’re reading this, you probably never would had guessed, I tend to always be happy and smiling, because that’s how everyone knows me to be. I want more than what I have now, I’m tired of feeling lonely everyday. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay when it’s not.